100+ Funny Jokes for the Holidays (2024)

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'Tis the season to snicker! These holiday jokes celebrate the funny side of the festive season.

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Holiday Jokes That Are Sure to Make You Smile

Just Desserts

Q: Did you hear about the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
A: He got 25 days.

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Choose Your Own Spelling

Me: [Searches ‘Chanukah’]
Google: Did you mean Hanukkah?
Me: I DON’T KNOW, GOOGLE. NO ONE DOES.
—@rachelichtman

Check out these fascinating Hanukkah facts.

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Hip Hop Holiday

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: Wrap music!

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The Most Punderful Time of the Year

You: I love this time of year!
Me: You mean you ‘ove’ it.
You: What?
Me: Because there’s Noël.—@tiemoose

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Polar Opposites

People act like the North Pole and the South Pole are exactly the same, but really, there’s a whole world of difference between them.

For more grins (and groans), check out our favourite bad dad jokes.

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Avian Obsession

“The Twelve Days of Christmas” is completely unrealistic. There is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds.—@TweetPotato314

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Famous Last Words

“Let’s go get a Christmas tree!” — A divorce story. —@sarcasticmommy4

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Achievable Goals

I bought a treadmill because my New Year’s resolution is to have more things to put my laundry on.—@danwlin

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Holiday Hit

“All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after [Christmas], you see the tree by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens, and a tree rolls out.”—Jerry Seinfeld

Here’s what you should really do with your Christmas tree after the holidays.

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Frosty Gets Fit

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.

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Feline Friends

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards or the cats who refuse to sign.—@Cpin42

Don’t miss our collection of funny cat GIFs.

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Holiday Jokes From the World’s Worst Office Parties

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon asked people to submit their worst Christmas office party stories. Here’s what people sent in:

• I stayed sober to avoid embarrassing myself in front of my coworkers. Then my heel broke, and I fell into the punch bowl.
• My boss ordered two pizzas for 15 employees, then ate one all by herself.
• My coworker got so drunk, he asked his girlfriend whether she was single. She said yes.
• I did a Secret Santa gift exchange; mine got me a can of creamed corn.

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Two in One

My kids: Can we decorate for Christmas now?!
Me: Sure. [Puts Santa hat on pumpkin.]—@Manda_like_wine

It doesn’t have to be October 31st to find these Halloween jokes funny.

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Fa-la-la-la-la

Q: What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas?
A: ‘Tis the season to be jelly!

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Fast Wrapper

My wife: How many presents did you get wrapped?
Me [proudly]: Four.
Wife: In an hour?
Me: They were oddly shaped.—@dejavudad

Here’s how to wrap Christmas presents like a pro.

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Peace and Quiet

Q: What’s a parent’s favourite Christmas carol?
A: Silent night! —Via Funology.com

Read the heartwarming story of how one night of carolling brought a small town together.

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One Step at a Time

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.—@AbbyHasIssues

Don’t miss these inspired holiday decorating ideas from across Canada.

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Create Your Own Carol

How to make a Christmas song:

1. Add sleigh bells
2. That’s it, you’re done —@MaxxSIO

Can you guess the oldest Christmas carol? (Hint: It’s not Silent Night!)

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Mistaken Identity

Our new neighbours thought our Wi-Fi network was our last name. So when they gave us a Christmas card, they addressed it to “The Linksys Family.”—via HuffingtonPost.com

Here are some helpful hints on what to write in a Christmas card this year.

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Starting Strong

My New Year’s resolution is to be more assertive, if that’s ok with you guys?—@megankcomedy

Check out more funny tweets that are sure to make you smile.

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Bad Behaviour

Q: Which of Santa’s reindeer has the worst manners?
A: Rude-olph!

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Bought or Borrowed

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present…they’re due back at the library tomorrow.—@kellywithawhy

Here’s how to master the art of re-gifting.

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Academy Award Winner

My performance in “I’m so sad I can’t make it to your Christmas party” is already generating Oscar buzz. —@RobinMcCauley

Here are the best movies on Netflix Canada right now.

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The First Noel

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Cozy up to the best virtual fireplaces on TV and online.

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Why Stop at 12?

On the 13^th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, “I think I might be a hoarder.”—Jen Statsky, writer

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Master Forger

For the longest time, I thought my mother, father, and cat all had the same handwriting. Then I found out Mom was just signing cards for all of them.—Michelle Wolf, comedian

These cat jokes are paws-itively hilarious!

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Sweet Dreams

Q: What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?
A: Cookie sheets!

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Putting Faces to the Names

The office holiday party is a great place to meet everyone you’ve been emailing from ten feet away.—@someecards

If you got a kick out of that one, you’ll love these funny work cartoons.

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Selling Out

Jeez, did Santa’s agent turn down a single commercial?—Jim Gaffigan, comedian

These Christmas brain teasers will give your grey matter a workout.

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Second Chances

For those of you who have already failed your New Year’s resolution, like I have, there is always the Chinese New Year to try again.—@ThomasPankonin

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Seasonal Syntax

Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Ready to put your vocabulary to the test? See if you can match theseChristmas wordswith their proper definitions.

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Comfort Food

I understand now why Hanukkah happens when it does. We could all use a little light right now. And fried stuff.—Jess Zimmerman, editor

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Baa Humbug

Q: What’s a sheep’s favourite Christmas song?
A: Fleece Navidad.

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Literally Christmas

It was the beginning of December. I noticed my four-year-old putting on her hat and coat, so I asked her where she was going. She said she wanted to see if Christmas was really just around the corner.—Lynn Krochak

Check out these funny tweets every parent can relate to.

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Time for a Rewrite?

Think how much more exciting “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” would be if they’d written it after the dreidel was dry and ready.—@Mikelffingwell

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Gone to the Dogs

My mom is angry with me for letting the dogs see their presents before tomorrow morning. Apparently, I ruined their Christmas.—@akfarizel

Here are 25 dog jokes that’ll leave you howling with laughter.

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Going for Broke

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.

Read up on the fascinating origins of Santa Claus.

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Santa on the Brain

Christmas: the time when everyone gets Santamental.

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The Ultimate Gift

One of my four nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to. —@Kendragarden

Check out these uniquely Canadian holiday traditions.

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Chimney Sweep

Q: What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?
A: Santa Klutz.

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Christmas Wish

The older you get, the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder.—@shutupmikeginn

Be sure to avoid these common holiday safety mistakes.

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Try Again

At the Christmas Eve service at my church, the pastor, quizzing some children about the nativity, asked, “What gifts did the three wise men give the Christ child?”

“Gold!” yelled one child.

“Frankincense!” shouted another.

After a pause, a third asked, “Gift cards?” —Alan Shaw

Read one woman’s hilarious (and heartwarming) memories of her star turn in a Christmas pageant.

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Hollywood Hanukkah

Christmas movies rebooted as Hanukkah movies:

– Home Shalom
– A Christmas Carole King
– It’s a Wonderful Life When You Call Your Mother —@OhNoSheTwitnt

Curl up with the best Seinfeldholiday episodes.

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The Nose Knows

Q: What did one snowman say to the other?
A: “Yeah, I smell carrots too.”

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Party Fouls

Employees who made their office Christmas parties memorable:

• The man who tried to photocopy his rear end, only to smash the glass and end up in the hospital.
• The manager who took his staff out for a three-course Christmas meal and “had an emergency” when dessert arrived, leaving his team with the bill.
• The poor soul who fell asleep on the toilet at a restaurant and woke up to find that the entire place was empty—and he was locked in. —Coburg Banks

These funny work jokes will help you make it through the week.

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The Non-Believer

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus. —via Jokes4us.com

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In a Pickle

A co-worker was forced to participate in a $10 maximum Secret Santa one year. He protested by bringing cucumbers that cost $1 each.—@kingedhill

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The Giving Spirit

Knowing that the pastor enjoyed his drink, a hotel owner offered him a case of cherry brandy for Christmas in exchange for a free ad in the church newsletter. The pastor agreed and ran this in the next issue: “The pastor would like to thank Patrick Smith for his kind gift of a crate of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given.”—via HotSermons.com

Find out how silly stocking stuffers became one family’s favourite tradition.

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Merry Measurement

Q: What’s St. Nicholas’s favourite measurement in the metric system?
A: The Santameter!

These hilariousDIY jokeswill bring down the house!

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Too Soon

“It’s way too early for Christmas music.”
— People in the year 75 B.C.—@Online_Shawn

Check out more history jokes that have aged well.

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Yuletide Visitors

Me: Knock! Knock!
You: Who’s there?
Me: Yule log.
You: Yule log who?
Me: Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?

Here are 25 more knock-knock jokes that are genuinely funny.

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Small Blessings

The Hanukkah miracle is that the menorah oil lasted eight extra days. I re-create this miracle with every tube of toothpaste.—@daemonic3

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Silver Screen

Q: Where do Christmas plants go to become stars?
A: Holly-wood!

Check out eight Christmas flowers that aren’t poinsettias.

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Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

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Scrooge Budget

Experts agree the best way to save money on gift giving this holiday season is by alienating all your friends and family.—@22_Minutes

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Denomination

A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.

“What denomination?” asks the clerk.

The woman says, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

Check out 13 Canadian Christmas facts for a fun holiday trivia night.

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Instant Classic

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’?”
“Yes”
“But it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—Figgy pudding, yeah.” —@NicSampson

These funny tweets about food will brighten your day.

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Good Lights

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

“Great,” she said.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

“I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.”

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Missing Evidence

“Google that and prove it.” —My six-year-old when I told her she’s not getting a cat because Santa is allergic to them.—@dooce

These funny Google searches will put a smile on your face.

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Snow Kids

Q: What do snowmen call their offspring?
A: Chill-dren!

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Senior Citizens

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.—Robert Paul

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Party Pup

“Oh, God, sorry, I’d love to talk and catch up, but, ah, man, I’m just…I’m petting this dog right now, so…” —Me, at a Christmas party. —@mulltoons

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Stop the Presses

These holiday headlines—concocted by the satirists at The Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth:

• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
• Book Given as Gift Actually Read

Don’t miss our roundup of the funniest Canadian headlines of all time.

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It’s the Thought That Counts

[Friend opens Christmas present.]
Me: It’s a lie detector.
Friend: Oh… I love it.
Me: [whispering] We’ll see. —@TherealAmyWeber

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Hiding the Presents

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.

When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to “Mom and Dad, From the Kids.”

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Celebrating Early

According to this advent calendar I’m eating, Christmas was five minutes ago.—@Book_Krazy

Kick off your own holiday countdown with these unique advent calendars.

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Stormy Weather

Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer!

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Engagement Party

If you like Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?—@fro_vo

Here are 200 jokes about marriage that are perfect for a wedding.

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Gift Exchange

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”

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Clean Slate

I have decided to leave my past behind me in the New Year, so if I owe you money…I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on.—@JayStewartPhoto

Have a laugh at these hilarious lawyer jokes.

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Limited Knowledge

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”

Got a cookie exchange coming up? Take inspiration from this collection of our all-time favourite Christmas cookie recipes.

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Spring Thaw

Top tip: this winter, hide a collection of bones in your snowman as a surprise for the children when it melts.—@MooseAllain

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Clapping for Christmas

Q: What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?
A: Santapplause!

Take a nostalgic look back at what acountry Christmas was like in the ’50s.

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Coming Soon

“Just once I’d like to see a big event-movie trailer that opens with ‘THIS HANNUKAH, IN A THEATRE NEAR YOU…'” —@LostCatDog

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Odd Christmas Visit

From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: “Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan.”

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A Delicate Process

How to Decorate a Christmas Tree When You Have Kids:

1. Unpack ornament
2. Drop repeatedly until it shatters into a million pieces
3. Repeat —@Lhlodder

Here are 25 DIY Christmas decorations anyone can make.

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Quick Cleanup

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read, “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”

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The Way the Cookie Crumbles

The kids left “Santa” whole wheat cookies so Santa “forgot” to leave their presents.—@sammyrhodes

Make sure you avoid these common cookie decorating mistakes!

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Snow-Off

Q: What’s Jack Frost’s favourite part of the school day?
A: Snow and tell. —Joshua S.

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Dangerous Questions

Four-year-old: Is Santa real?
Me: No.
Four-year-old: What about the Easter Bunny?
Me: No.
Four-year-old: Spiderman?
Me: You better hope Spiderman didn’t hear that. —@XplodingUnicorn

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Post Holiday Blues

A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.

As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: “It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.”

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Shear the Spirit

Q: What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
A: Season’s bleatings!

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Easy to Forgive

Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: “No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is.”

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Doesn’t Add Up

Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.—@KenJennings

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Waiting for Christmas

My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, “What time does Jesus get here?”

These hilariousbirthday jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh.

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Time Flies

Jan. 1: Made my New Year’s Resolution.
Jan. 2: Okay, I’m gonna start it today.
Jan. 3: Okay, I mean it now.
Dec. 31: Damn, that went by quickly. Guess I’ll try again tomorrow! —@kentaitin

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Christmas Eve Service

Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”

A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”

(These silly light bulb jokes would’ve been perfect, too!)

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Human Hubris

The amount of time and energy we spend putting up and taking down holiday decorations tells me our ‘top of the food chain’ claim is invalid.—@LindaInDisguise

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Interesting Gifts

For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.

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A True Miracle

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days. Now you understand Hanukkah. —@HolyGhostNYC

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Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by St. Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.

“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.

“They’re Carol’s.”

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Reinvent Yourself

“New year, new me,” is a fun thing to say while committing identity theft.—@joshgondelman

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Bad Grades for Rudolph

Q: “Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?”
A: “Because he went down in History.”

Check out the best Christmas movies on Netflix right now.

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Better Luck Next Year

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”—Bernard Manning

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Alternate History

My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the inn.”

But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn’t have the heart to turn him down.

“Well,” he said, “if it’s so urgent, come on in.”

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The Christmas Song

Q: What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their skill in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

It doesn’t have to be National Tell a Joke Day to find these jokes hilarious!

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Santa Speak

Q: What is Santa’s primary language?
A: North Polish.

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Great Use of Space

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.—@simoncholland

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Gift of the Magi?

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.—Anthony Jeselnik

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Addicted to Christmas

Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A: He was hooked on trees his whole life.

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Change of Plans

Our synagogue was throwing a coming-out party of sorts for our new officiant, which was to be billed as “Coffee with the Cantor.” The guest of honour, an Argentine, suggested that rather than coffee we serve mate, a variation of a South American tea.

That idea was quickly nixed, however, when we realized that we would be inviting congregants to “Mate with the Cantor.”

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Seeking Investors

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the first month of the year, collects subscription fees, then converts to a bar named Regret.—@siddharth3

Get ready for morewitty bar jokesanyone can remember.

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O Tannenbaum

Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.—@weinerdog4life

Here’s the best time to buy a Christmas tree in Canada.

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Elf Therapy

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Here are the best jokes from 50 up-and-coming Canadian comedians.

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Seating Sections

While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.

Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, “Non-smoking, please.”

Find out why we hang stockings at Christmas.

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Insulting Santa

This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.—Conan O’Brien

Got everyone checked off your Christmas list? Don’t miss these greatCanadian giftsunder $50!

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Confessions of a Store Santa

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

Here are the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes of all time.

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Mazel Tov, Mary!

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. —Andy Borowitz, writer

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When You’re Having Fun

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh?
He wanted to see time fly! —Via Pun.me

Don’t miss theseclever grammar jokesevery word nerd will appreciate.

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A Good Deal

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing—it was on the house! —Via Pun.me

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Seeing Red

Me: I wrote you a song, Rudolph.
Rudolph: It better not be about my nose.
Me:
Rudolph: Sing the song, man. —@KeetPotato

Don’t miss our countdown of the best Christmas songs—ranked!

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The Truth About Santa

I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.

Here are 75 more funny jokes to make anyone laugh.

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Festive Fear

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic. —via LaughFactory.com

It’s time to curl up with a marathon of the all-time best Christmas movies.

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Candle Conversations

Two menorahs are sitting in the window.

The first one says, “Wow, it’s getting hot with all these candles.”

The second one says, “Whoa, a talking menorah!”

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Head Start

My New Year’s resolution is to be more efficient. So I’m giving up on it right now instead of wasting all January acting like I can achieve it.—@alispagnola

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Meet and Greet

Spotted outside a church in Michigan during the holidays: “Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him.”

Don’t miss these funny tweets about driving.

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Irreconcilable Differences

I may only get married once, I may get married five times. But at least one of my marriages is going to end because of Christmas decorations.—@DadandBuried

Here’s every Friends Christmas episode, ranked!

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Practice Makes Perfect

Untangling my headphone cord all year is good training for Christmas lights.—@Cheeseboy22

These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.

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Open Mic Night in the North Pole

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!

Now that you’ve got these holiday jokes under your belt, check out these funny Christmas stories shared by our readers.